


wanna be known by you

by canlah



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Friendship, Healing, Homesickness, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canlah/pseuds/canlah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Lance feels like he’s been stained blue, the colour of his lion seeping through his skin as he chokes on cold stardust, and he is drowning in waves of blue, blue ocean. Lance has never been afraid of the ocean before. </p><p>He rolls over and turns off the lights. He doesn’t sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for panic attacks, nightmares, and references to obsessive-compulsive behaviour 
> 
> please let me know if you want me to tag or post warnings for anything else!!
> 
> title is from Goner by 21 pilots

Sometimes Lance feels like he’s been stained blue, the colour of his lion seeping through his skin as he chokes on cold stardust, and he is drowning in waves of blue, blue ocean. Lance has never been afraid of the ocean before. 

He rolls over and turns off the lights. He doesn’t sleep.

* * *

 

 

He’s not the type of person to let things get to him. Life is too short for grudges yadda yadda yadda, but Keith...Keith is an exception. 

He closes his eyes and he is home at his kitchen table, stealing food off his brother’s plate and fighting to make himself heard over the din of 5 siblings and 3 cousins. The image of Keith and his blank stare at the sound of Lance’s name pops into his head. Lance opens his eyes and decides to go find Hunk. He was always fun to wind up.

* * *

 

 

It begins to take a toll on all of them eventually. Hunk has a panic attack right after a mission, collapsing outside his bay door. Lance holds his hand and reminds him to keep breathing, its gonna be alright Hunk,  _ its gonna be alright _ . 

Shiro makes checks. He counts the steps between his door and Pidge’s, the door next along. He cleans his lion till its spotless, spending hours to make sure not a single Galra trace makes it inside the castle. Lance hears him counting the steps back from the training room one night and wonders what it is to be trapped in your own mind, with only the druids’ imagination for company. He thinks he would do whatever it took to make sure this was real, too. 

Pidge throws themself into searching, tinkering with whatever tech they can find, forcing themself to learn, learn faster, to be that much closer to finding their family. Lance gets used to seeing Hunk gently carrying Pidge back to their room at night and Lance always sneaks in after to leave a bottle of water and a plate of green goo on the table next to their bed. Lance knows Pidge isn’t paying attention to things like eating properly.  

Keith’s nightmares force their way into their meditation sessions sometimes. They all focus on something soothing until Keith can do the same. Hunk usually pictures himself baking, Pidge always pictures something to do with their tech(“What? It’s  _ familiar _ , I know my tech inside out!), and Shiro pictures all of them together. A team. With Coran and Allura too, of course. They’re all too touched to even try to tease him about it. 

Lance used to picture the ocean. Used to imagine the salt drying on his skin and would pretend he could feel the water lapping at his feet on the edge of the beach. Instead, he thinks of the Big Dipper, and Orion’s Belt, and all the other constellations he used to stare at from his bedroom window. If the Alteans had names for the constellations outside the castle, Lance hasn’t heard them yet. It wouldn’t be the same anyways. 

After one of these meditation sessions, Lance lies in bed and stares at the ceiling and wonders when it’ll be his turn to break. 

* * *

 

Keith pictures Shiro.

* * *

 

The others don’t tend to leave the castle much, except in their lions. Sometimes, when he’s missing his family, he’ll lie in the grass outside and pretend the light from the nearest star is from the Sun, instead. 

* * *

 

Lance isn’t the type to hold grudges. And one mission, after Keith rams the Blue Lion out of the way of a blast before immediately jumping back into the fray, Lance is forced to admit that he is, in fact, holding a grudge. It’s obvious that Keith isn’t exactly what he’d call a  _ people person _ . Fortunately, Lance is  _ great _ with people. 

Lance makes a decision. He’s going to make Keith notice him.

* * *

 

He spends too much time in the training room for Lance to try and bother ambushing him anywhere else. 

“Hey, Keith, my buddy, my dude,” Lance winks at him. “I have an idea.” 

“No,” Keith does another pushup. Lance continues regardless. 

“Let’s hang out,” Lance says confidently. Keith straightens his arms, then drops back down. 

“I’m busy,” Keith grunts out. “Training. You should too.” Lance considers this for a second. “If I do, will you hang out with me?” Keith doesn’t answer. Unfazed, Lance drops down and sits cross legged across from Keith. He’s prepared to wait. 

In the end, it only takes about five minutes of Keith getting steadily redder and redder for him to crack. 

“Oh my God, fine! Just stop staring at me!” Keith’s face matches his lion and Lance holds in a snicker at the sight. Outwardly, he beams. 

“Perfect!” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know wtf this chapter is im sorry it didn't turn out at all like I planned

Keith immediately returned to his pushups. Lance sighs and decides to try one of the treadmills. At least, he thinks its a treadmill. Why did all the Altean machines look so  _ weird? _ After jabbing at a few random symbols (he really needs to get Pidge to work on some sort of translator) a smooth sheet stretched over the frame begins rotating and he shrugs and hops on. He finds himself falling into a rhythm after a short while, concentrating on his breathing and the sounds of his steps  _ thumping _ against the machine. He’s so into that when Keith claps him on the shoulder he’s so startled he loses his balance and almost falls off. 

“What the hell dude!” Lance yelps, turning the machine off. Keith scowls in response. 

“I called your name like five times but you were too zoned out!” He rolls his eyes. Lance blinks in surprise. 

“Why didn’t you just leave?” He blurts, then immediately kicks himself for it. Keith just stares at him. “I mean, you obviously didn’t want to hang out with me in the first place.” 

“We had a deal,” Keith says softly, cheeks starting to pink.

“Aww, you!” Lance coos and pinches Keith’s cheeks. “Aren’t you just the sweet thing, yes you are, yes you are-”

“Get off me!” Keith shoves Lance away, rubbing his cheeks angrily. “You’re right, I don’t know why I bothered waiting for you.” He turns to go and Lance feels his heart sink. He can’t watch Keith walk away, not when they’re so close to...something. 

“Wait!” To his surprise, Keith actually does. “I do actually want to hang out with you.” Lance says as sincerely as he can.

“Why?” Keith looks him square in the eyes. Lance meets his gaze and remembers; Keith looked him right in the eyes then and didn’t recognise him. 

“I want you to notice me,” Lance says bluntly. It’s a reasonable question and deserves an honest answer. Lance and Keith haven’t stopped arguing since Keith sabotaged Lance’s epic rescue. Keith looks-surprised? Confused? Lance can’t tell. Seems Keith was bad at any kind of emoting. 

“I’m not used to not being noticed,” Lance continues, a little more hesitant now. “I’m a damn good pilot, and you didn’t even know I was there. Didn’t matter how loud I was or how friendly I tried to be. But we’re stuck here now. And who knows how long it’ll be before it stops being the seven of us. I don’t wanna live with six people if only five of them acknowledge me.”

Silence falls, thick with guilt and with nothing left to say Lance moves towards a nearby stack of towels to wipe at his face. 

“I’m- I’m sorry,” Keith says slowly. Lance looks at him in surprise. He hadn’t expected Keith to  _ apologise _ .  “I figured I hurt you, I mean, it was obvious from the way you reacted when we saved Shiro at the Garrison, but I didn’t realise, didn’t think it was this bad. So I’m sorry.” 

“It’s- it’s okay,” Lance finds himself saying. “It’s not like you’re the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to communication after all.” he forces himself to grin. Keith smiles sheepishly in response and Lance swears his heart actually skips a beat. Keith just  _ smiled _ , for real?! He is on a  _ roll _ today. 

“Yeah, well…” Keith runs his hand through that godawful mullet. “I haven’t had a lot of practice spending time with other people. Especially after dropping out of the Garrison.” Lance thinks of Keith’s lonely shack, surrounded only by empty earth and cold mountains, with its rumpled sheet on the sofa and the worn strings connecting traces of the Blue Lion,  _ Lance’s _ Lion, and his heart sinks in sympathy. 

“Well, lucky for you,” Lance slings an arm around Keith’s shoulders. “Now you don’t have a choice.” Keith shoots him a look out of the corner of his eyes. “What? Was that not encouraging?” 

“You’re just eating into your hour, you know,” Keith says, another smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“Wait, what?!” Lance yells. “That’s not fair! I didn’t know our time had started!” Keith shrugs off his arm and picks up a towel of his own. “That’s cheating!”

“You’re the one who wouldn’t get off the treadmill,” Keith points out. Lance is not embarrassed. He’s  _ not. _ If his cheeks are warm it's cause he’s been exercising, so he’s warmer than normal dammit. 

“I just didn’t want to waste my time waiting for you, that’s all. Its not easy keeping all this looking so perfect,” Lance gestures to his beautiful long legs. Then, more softly, “And, well, we are in the middle of a war here. I’m not saying you’re right, doing nothing but training....but I figured a little training might not be that bad of an idea.” 

Keith throws his towel at him. “Well, come on then. You still have half an hour. What do you wanna do?” Lance racks his brain. He hadn’t actually pictured himself making it this far, making this much progress with Keith. They’re usually arguing thirty seconds in. 

In the end, Lance goes with his gut and leads Keith to the observation deck. So far out in space, there’s always boundless stars, and Lance gives himself points everytime he can make Keith chuckle by finding another absurd shape for a new constellation. Keith even joins in after a while, and soon they’re laughing so hard that tears are starting to form.

“Okay no, hang on, I’ve got one-” Keith wipes the corner of his eye. “See over there? Those two squiggly lines of stars on the side and then the stars making an X below them? He starts shaking with laughter before he finishes and Lance is grinning so hard his cheeks hurt with the anticipation. “It’s Coran doing the macarena!” 

Keith has  _ not _ let him down. Lance is actually crying from laughter now, the tears streaming down his face at the image of Coran trying to do the macarena, mustaches and all. “It’s-its” he wheezes out, as Keith giggles helplessly. “The  _ ma-coran-a _ !” 

Shiro comes in ten minutes later, looking for Allura, only to find them both on the floor giggling. He shakes his head and leaves without saying anything. He doesn’t want to know. 

* * *

 

At dinner, Keith innocently hums the macarena while sitting next to Lance, who chokes on his green food goo. Coran enthusiastically thumps him on the back and Lance has to bite his lip to stifle the laughter he can feel rising in his throat. Keith winks at him. 

“So, Coran?” Lance asks, equally innocently. “Know any good Altean dance moves?” Coran jumps into action without even waiting to ask why Lance wants to know, demonstrating several improbable positions that really don’t look all that practical for a dance floor before stretching his arms out in front of him and flipping them over several times. 

“That one’s called the Balmeran Hello,” Coran proudly strokes his moustache. Lance is too busy thumping a choking Keith on the back to hear. 

 

* * *

It’s weird, Lance thinks, how he could go from feeling elated and relaxed to just...empty in a matter of moments. He’d actually had a good day, the first day in ages he’d actually  _ want _ to refer to as good as opposed to just, you know, another regular day in the ol’ castle, fighting the Galra empire and yet...he’s back here, lying in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering, _whats the point?_

He’s the Blue Paladin...but so what? He’s still just a kid, and no matter how much he talks himself up to the others, Keith was right when they first met. He was a cargo pilot, and only just scraped into fighter pilot class- thanks to Keith getting kicked out. He barely scraped by at the Garrison, what made the others think he was ready to help them fight in some intergalactic war? Ready to form Voltron, the only hope left against the Galran Empire?

Lance leans back against his pillow and feels a heavy weight press down on him. Some hope he is. But running on the treadmill, being able to focus like that today...it made him feel good, knowing that he hadn’t been distracted by something two minutes in. Maybe if he can actually train, can improve, he wouldn’t be such deadweight compared to the others. And he and Keith...he and Keith could keep getting along. Lance imagines them in a fight against Zarkon, and Lance standing there useless, unable to fight, unable to connect with his Lion like the others and Keith looking at him in disgust, the others unable to waste time to try and help him, too busy fighting for their lives and Lance feels like retching. 

He’s not going to let that happen. 

 

* * *

Lance wakes up early the next morning and doesn’t even bother getting breakfast, just showers and heads to his hangar. He places a hand on Blue’s console and the Lion hums in his mind, content. He closes his mind and tries to send the same sentiment back. Bounding out past the castle, he decides the fastest way to really be one with his lion is to practice that drill Coran made them do when they were first struggling to form Voltron. 

Flying high enough that the ground becomes a hazy blur, he closes his eyes and sends the Lion into a dive. 

_ Come on, _ he thinks.  _ Speak to me _ . Blue remains silent. Lance sighs. Of course it wouldn’t be this easy, and he wouldn’t luck out and get it the first time round.  _ Come on, Blue, we can do this, let’s show them we can do this _ . Still nothing. Lance doesn’t give up, not even when he feels himself rock at the shudder of impact, eyes still tightly shut. He wriggles out of the crash site and flies back up and tries again. 

Several crashes later, he’s tired and his head is pounding. He’s breathing hard and his stomach is starting to cramp with hunger. Determinedly, he pulls Blue back up. He’s not giving himself a break until he gets this. He hasn’t  _ earned _ a break until he gets this. 

Hovering amongst the clouds for a moment, he pictures Earth. Pictures his family at the beach, laughing and playing in the sand. Pictures his friends at the Garrison, jostling each other on the way to the simulator. He pictures the Paladins, Allura and Coran. Pictures all of them, everyone, in Zarkon’s path. He’ll lose them, all of them, everything he’s ever cared about, unless he gets better. And in order to get better, he needs Blue, needs to be able to  _ understand _ Blue, see through her eyes like Coran said and Shiro described. Lance shares all of this with Blue. And finally, finally, Blue whispers back,  _ Open your eyes. _

Lance opens his eyes, instead of the console and display screens, he sees nothing but blue sky. 

Lance smiles. 

 

* * *

Lance manages to persuade Hunk to make him lunch. It’s not that hard, actually, all he had to do was mention he was on the way to the kitchens to make a snack and Hunk offered to come with, before remembering that he’d finished all the snacks he’d made yesterday earlier so he might as well make some more so…

The point is, Lance is stuffing his face when Keith wanders into the kitchen. Hunk has gone to collect Pidge to force them to eat, so it’s just Lance for the moment. Keith sits opposite him and takes a bite of whatever it is thats on Lance’s plate. Lance is too tired to argue. They sit quietly and eat until Hunk gets back, which is when Lance starts poking fun at Keith’s mullet (“Seriously, dude, you could use your sword to cut it if you needed to-” “I don’t need to.”). For some reason, he wants to savour whatever this is, this friendship thats growing between them, before the others notice and start commenting like he knows they will.

But later that night, when he’s staring at his ceiling, he remembers and the static in his head doesn't seem so bad for once.

* * *

They start to build a routine between the two of them. They’ll train together for an hour, before spending an hour doing something else, like visiting the Arusians, or trying to prank Hunk, or even raiding Allura’s closet for a makeover (Lance may have lost a bet on that one. Still, Keith admitted he was impressed with Lance’s skill with the nail polish, and pink was definitely Lance’s colour). More often than not, the second hour ends up being a lot longer than just an hour, but Keith hasn't complained yet so Lance isn't going to say anything. 

It helps. It takes him a while to notice, but it definitely helps. Lance can’t deal with being alone, he’s not used to it and he doesn’t like it, but with this vast open space around them its hard not to feel lonely. But waking up in the morning, or going to bed in the evening, knowing that relatively soon he’ll be back to spending a few hours with someone...it’s soothing. Besides, Keith said it himself, he needs practice being around, well, people. Lance is a  _great_ primer, if he can say so himself. 

Their next group meditation session, gently enforced by a Shiro concerned they weren’t spending enough time together as a team, sees Lance picturing that afternoon on the observation deck with Keith, cheeks aching as they point at the stars. He takes a deep breath, and feels calm. 

* * *

Shiro has a point though, while they train together and meditate together...they aren’t exactly having fun-time team-time raves together. All work and no play made Paladins _booooo-riiiiing_. Constantly training, working, searching...it was stressful, and no wonder the others were always on edge. They needed to be able to take a break, and just relax. As a team. Then maybe Hunk’s hands wouldn’t always be shaking with nerves, so that he’d sit on them when he wasn’t using them, and Pidge wouldn’t have to be carried back to their room half asleep every night. It wouldn’t solve _all_ their problems, not by a long shot. But it could be a start.

Lance wonders if it's possible to feel free again, knowing what he knows now about the pain and loss that's out there in the universe. Carrying that pain, and still hope, on his shoulders. He doubts it. 

He spends that night on the observation deck, staring out at the same stars he’d laughed at and wonders which ones still hold life, which ones are still free. Which ones hold nothing, not anymore. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry?? I kinda wanted to develop lance's angst & desire to improve but as you can tell the klance shipping got in the way a bit 
> 
> I wrote most of this in one go and haven't proofread it properly so im sorry if there are any mistakes I just wanted to update asap


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is quite fragmented sorry I hope it doesn't read too choppily, with these precious children in space for who knows how long, time doesn't exactly feel as fixed the same way, if that makes sense? hope it flows okay

“Why would the castle have an arts and crafts room?” Keith crosses his arms. Pidge groans into their green goo while Hunk and Shiro ignore all of them and keep eating. 

“For  _ arts and crafts _ , the clue is in the name, genius!” Lance gestures wildly with his spoon. A blob of goo flies off to the right and Hunk nonchalantly captures it in his mouth before returning his attention to his own plate. 

“Yeah, but  _ why?” _ Keith argues stubbornly. Lance wants to tear his hair out in frustration but at the same time he just really, really wants to laugh at the expression on the other’s faces. This is the third day in a row they’ve staged some sort of ridiculous argument and breakfast and he can’t believe the other Paladins haven’t caught on yet. 

“ _ Because- _ ” But before Lance can launch into his explanation of why an arts and crafts room is a key staple of any spaceship that aims to retain any kind of efficiency, Shiro slams his hands down on the table. 

“Enough!” he says firmly. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you guys need to learn to get along. Until you can do that, you’re both grounded. Go to your rooms.” 

They barely make it down the hallway before they’re desperately leaning on the walls for support, breathless with laughter. 

* * *

 

“Do you ever have nightmares?” Keith asks, watching Lance paint his nails, curiously fixed. Lance nicked the bottle of black polish he saw in Allura’s closet because honestly it's the only thing Keith is missing to complete his emo image and who was Lance to withhold that from him? 

The question catches him off guard and he uses his pinkie to correct a smudge. “I…yeah, sometimes. Nothing like yours, though.” Lance wipes excess polish on the neck of the bottle. Was it weird that nail polish is something Altea and Earth had in common? Probably. Not like it mattered in the scheme of things, besides helping Keith brood more successfully. At least his sisters won’t be able to complain about him being out of practice.

“I’m afraid of being alone again,” Keith whispers. Lance glances up at him, then wordlessly squeezes Keith’s hand, the one he isn’t painting. Keith squeezes back. 

“I won’t let that happen,” Lance promises. He means it. This thing growing between him and Keith, he doesn’t have the right words for it, but its important,  _ feels _ important to him-  _ Keith _ feels important to him. 

They sit for a few moments in silence. Keith doesn’t move his hand, and neither does Lance. 

 

* * *

Lance wakes up and he is tired, tired. There is a stone in his chest, and he is trapped, unable to rise from his bed. He doesn’t want to do anything but roll over and go back to sleep. He knows Keith will be waiting on the training deck, but he doesn’t have the energy to care, let alone get up and train. 

He rolls over and go back to sleep.

 

* * *

Lance doesn’t know how much later it is when he wakes up, but when he opens his eyes Keith is sitting on the edge of his bed...drawing? 

“I  _ knew _ it!” Lance crows. Keith almost falls off the bed in shock. “There  _ is _ an arts and crafts room!” 

 

* * *

 

 

Coran teaches them all how to play Altean checkers, and it turns out Lance is reigning champion. Seriously. They make a scoreboard and everything. Allura is the only person even  _ close _ to his score. Coran, ironically, is terrible. 

Lance’s awesomeness at alien board games aside, the game works wonders as a distraction. Pidge will take breaks from scrolling through code in order to try and figure out Lance’s strategy so that they can beat him, Hunk is always happy to pass the time doing something that doesn’t involve getting shot at, and Shiro is just too nice to say no. Best of all, its an excuse for Keith and him to spend time together  _ and _ argue. It’s like all of Lance’s favourite things, all at once! 

“It’s your move,” Keith reminds him. Lance tugs at his chin thoughtfully. They’re in his room, and its getting late but they’re currently tied and playing for best of 9. He’s about to pick up one of his pieces when he notices Keith stifling a yawn. 

“We can always finish up tomorrow,” he says softly. Keith looks up sharply, opens his mouth- and yawns again. Lance snickers. 

“Come on, sleepyhead, you’re gonna lose anyways,” Lance carefully shifts the board onto the floor, so as not to displace any of the pieces. “Get some sleep so you’ll have enough energy for a rematch tomorrow.” Keith finally gives in and nods, stretching his arms above his head before suddenly flopping back onto the bed.

“Hey!” Lance pokes him. Keith merely grunts in response. “Dude, you have your own bed like, three doors down.” Keith ignores him. Well, two could play at that game. Lance flops onto the other side of the bed and closes his eyes. His arm and Keith’s are just barely touching, but that part of his arm feels ten times warmer than the rest of him. Lance opens one eye and peeks at Keith. The jerkface has already stilled, breathing slowly and peacefully. Lance grins at the sight. It was hardly surprising, with the amount of training Keith did no wonder he was wiped. 

Shifting slightly to become more comfortable, Lance closes his eyes and thinks about how Keith, reckless, impulsive Keith, is comfortable enough around him to fall asleep in seconds. Lance decides to take a page out of Keith’s book, and falls fast asleep. 

 

* * *

 

 

Keith wakes up screaming two hours later, drenched in sweat. Lance wakes up gasping at the sound, and immediately does his best to calm Keith down.

“Hey, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Lance waves his hands uselessly in front of him. “It’s me, Lance, you’re in my room, we fell asleep after playing checkers, you had a nightmare-”

“Lance,” Keith says hoarsely. Lance shuts up immediately. Keith passes a hand over his eyes. “Never mind. Sorry I- I’m sorry I woke you up. I should head back to my room-”

“Hey, no, don’t even think about it,” Lance is unimpressed. Crawling over to the edge of the bed, he grabs a water bottle he left on the floor earlier and hands it to Keith, who accepts it wordlessly. “You’re staying here until I’m sure you’re okay. Which, no, you’re clearly not right now. Now drink up.” Keith obeys, to Lance’s surprise. He drains the bottle, which Lance can’t begrudge him for, and looks to Lance for what to do next. “Do you want to talk about it?” Keith shakes his head wordlessly, and Lance breathes out a quiet “Okay, that’s okay.”

Lance looks at Keith, face pale and eyes red, trembling almost imperceptibly, and reaches out to brush a stray curl out of his eyes. Keith immediately flushes, and Lance does the same as the intimacy of the gesture sinks in.

“You just,” he gestures helplessly. “There was some- there was a hair, I just thought-”

“It’s fine,” Keith is still bright red. “Honestly, it’s fine, I mean, its really not a big deal.” Lance nods furiously in agreement. Of course not. Nothing weird about a bro helping another bro out, especially when they’re already sharing a bed an’ all. Wait. 

Keith yawns, a real jaw-cracking stretch that causes a  _ crack _ to echo around the quiet room. Lance winces in sympathy, before he feels the urge to yawn overtake him too. Even space yawns were contagious apparently. Keith wriggles under the covers and is asleep in seconds. Shaking his head about how quickly Keith gave in to staying, Lance does the same. If he maybe sort of curls up facing towards Keith, its hardly his fault because Keith is  _ warm _ , and it can get chilly out in space okay?

 

* * *

 

 

Lance’s room is covered with sketches, and whenever he steps into his room it starts to feel a little more like home. He doesn’t want to think about that too much, think about his room at the Garrison with posters on the walls, his room back home with the glow in the dark stars he stuck on the ceiling when he was five. 

Keith spends nights in Lance’s room more often than not, and Lance is afraid to read too deeply into that either, afraid what it might mean for them, for him, what the others might say if they knew. It’s not that he’s afraid of their judgement, exactly, it’s more that...well, he doesn’t know. His feelings tie themselves into knots whenever he tries to pinpoint how he feels about Keith these days, and thats something he wants to work through himself, without feeling like the others are watching, knowing. 

In the meantime, he keeps spare blankets in his room because Keith won’t stop accusing him of being a blanket hog, and there’s always a bottle of water next to Keith’s side of the bed. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hunk,” Lance muses. Keith eyes him warily from his spot by the goo machine. Hunk smiles his attention at Lance, mouth too full to respond. “What do you think the odds are we can make something that tastes like peanut butter?” 

Hunk smiles even wider.

 

* * *

 

 

They enlist Coran to help, while Keith watches in horrified fascination. It takes them the better part of the day, mixing and mashing purple roots and orange leafy things under Coran’s supervision, until they finally end up with a pale pink paste. 

“Looks just how I remember it!” Coran tugs on a mustache proudly. Hunk, Keith, and Lance look at the results doubtfully. “Go on, try it!” 

“Remember me not as I am, but how I was,” Lance declares loudly, before sticking a large spoonful in his mouth, cutting off Keith’s irritated “Lance that doesn’t even make any sense-” 

The others watch him carefully. Lance runs his tongue over his teeth, considering the taste.

“Hmm,” he says. “Not bad.” The others sag in relief. 

 

* * *

 

 

They surprise Pidge with the space butter (Keith refuses to call it ‘sputter’. Lance will convince him eventually, he just needs to wear him down) after dragging them to join the rest of the Paladins at dinner. They’re so happy, Lance swears even Rover lights up at the sight. They spend the rest of the evening playing Altean checkers, all of them, and Lance feels good that everyone seems so happy, so relaxed. 

Later that night, he rolls over and sees Keith’s face relaxed in sleep, free from the nightmares that crease his face for once, and hopes this feeling will last forever. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter shouuuuld be the next one, not sure when it'll be up but hopefully soon as I already know what I want to write
> 
> pls lemme know what you think!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy crap im so sorry this is so late but it was surprisingly hard to write??
> 
> trigger warning for references to suicidal thoughts and dissociation

Keith sleeps with a knife under his pillow. Lance knows this, has known it since Keith unofficially moved into his room. It doesn’t bother him, it’s not like Keith would use it on  _ Lance _ , but he wonders sometimes, who it was who taught him to be afraid, even in sleep. 

 

* * *

 

Lance never wanted to be a soldier. He wanted, still wants, to  _ explore _ , to see everything the universe has to offer and to soak his soul in infinity. He’s trapped in this war, and he would never leave, no matter how much he wants to, he won’t abandon his team like that. But….sometimes, he wonders how long he can actually keep going like this. How long he can keep dragging himself out of bed to spring to his Lion, how many blasts his armour can take before it falls apart the way he is, how many Galran soldiers he can take down before its their turn to take him down. He doesn’t want to fight. Wouldn’t it be easier to just give up and stop fighting? 

He doesn’t voice these thoughts, not even to Keith. They whisper quietly in the back of his mind, except for the nights when he doesn’t sleep and stares at the ceiling and  _ aches _ . He doesn’t know how long he can keep going like this, but he doesn’t have it in him to care. He keeps going. 

* * *

 

Keith and Shiro are sparring and Lance feels inadequate just being in the room with them, so he stares at the hologram of Earth until he longer feels real. Allura places a hand on his shoulder and he stares at her until he feels his feet on the ground, his chest rising and falling. She looks concerned and she’s saying- “Lance? Lance, can you hear me?”- She’s saying his name.

“What was your home like?” he asks abruptly. “On Altea?” Allura searches his face for answers. He doesn’t know what she finds, but she begins describing rooms filled with laughter and a bedroom window that let in the scent of sweet, sweet flowers. Lance tells her about bunk beds and midnight secrets, of loud, loud mealtimes and waves that he once thought would carry him to the furthest reaches of the universe. Now he’d give anything for them to take him home. 

They’re both crying, but the weight in Lance’s chest feels a little bit lighter, just for a moment. Allura grips his hand tightly, and he thinks she understands. 

* * *

The last thing Lance wants to do right now is meditate. He wants to crawl back into bed, nurse his two fractured ribs, and sleep for a long, long time. But he understands this is necessary, he’s not the only one who’s injured from yesterday’s fight and they need to go over it while it’s fresh in their minds, see what went wrong, what they can learn for the next fight. 

He crosses his legs and closes his eyes, and he is in the middle of a battle, ears numb to everything but his heartbeat. His mouth is dry and he can’t breathe, doesn’t have time to stop and take a breath, he just shoots and shoots and shoots and watches them fall. He doesn’t have time to regret what he’s doing, or to grieve for another family left behind. Hunkering down behind smouldering wreckage, he glances around before sprinting to where Pidge last reported in, trying to hack into the Galran sensors. It doesn’t matter if they succeeded or not, they’re too badly outnumbered to keep fighting outside of their Lions. If he can just get back to Blue- try and get their Comms back online, they might have a chance- 

Something hits him in the side and he tumbles to the ground with a scream. There’s a second of burning before blessed shock kicks in and he drags himself back onto his feet, takes aim and fires, and  _ runs _ . 

In abstract hindsight, Lance watches himself scream and fall, and notes how if the shot had hit just a little higher, just a little more to the left, it would’ve been over. He wonders if it wouldn’t have been better if it had, and lets the thought pass peacefully through his mind. What he doesn’t immediately realise, is that it then passes less peacefully through four  _ other _ minds. 

There’s shock, which he expects, but also sorrow, which he doesn’t, and instead of sympathy or pity, they give him love. Hunk gives him every memory of them pulling pranks at the academy, Pidge pictures the shitty memes Lance wouldn’t stop emailing them, and Keith reminds Lance what it feels like to be breathless with laughter, tears that don’t sting. And Shiro, Shiro thinks of the food Lance leaves outside his teammate’s rooms, the sputter he made for Pidge, of Lance making Allura  _ smile _ as she remembers Altea and the sense of safety he gives Hunk when he’s struggling to see past his panic. He even gives Lance the water bottle on Keith’s side of the bed, and Lance wonders how long he’s known. 

They give him love, and acceptance, and he knows they are trying to tell him he is more than just a soldier. 

* * *

 

It’s not an instant fix, and it’s not meant to be. Instead, it’s more like something to soothe the ache that keeps him up at night. There are still days where he can’t get out of bed, and on those days Keith will quietly keep him company, drawing in the corner of the room, and Pidge will bring food and Hunk will stop by to water the plants he stuck in Lance’s room, and Shiro will simply stop by to look, to nod and move on. 

He still feels like he’s drowning, sometimes, and sometimes he’ll feel strong enough to wake Keith up and ask if they can talk. Sometimes he isn’t, but he’s learning thats okay, he’s working on that. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to break every day, and its hard, its  _ so _ hard, but he’s  _ trying _ , and not even the universe could ask more of him than that. 

* * *

 

 

Lance presses a soft kiss to Keith’s cheek, trying not to wake him up as he crawls out of bed for a shower, and hesitates when he sees Keith’s jacket. He picks it up, fully intending to hide it in Allura’s closet, when Keith’s voice stops him in his tracks. 

“I  _ see _ you, Lance,” Keith doesn’t even open his eyes, lashes dark against his skin. Lance grins and just pulls the jacket on, instead. He’s got his own little family here in their corner of space, and it’s not home, not yet, but he thinks maybe it could be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I said, this was a really difficult chapter so I hope it was worth the wait, please let me know what you think 
> 
> I drew quite heavily on my own experiences while writing Lance's struggle with depression, and its definitely not meant to represent everyone who struggles with it because everyone experiences it differently, this is just mine

**Author's Note:**

> will try and have the next chapter up soon, please let me know what you think xx
> 
> find me on tumblr at bluewriters


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